The Korean ‘Respect System’ You Must Know

You’ve started learning Korean. You’ve mastered Hangul, your pronunciation of words like 떡볶이 (tteokbokki) is getting compliments, and you can string a basic sentence together. But then you hit a wall. You want to say, “Did you eat?” and your textbook gives you three different options: 밥 먹었어? (Bap meogeosseo?), 식사하셨어요? (Siksa hasyeosseoyo?), and 진지 드셨습니까? (Jinji deusyeotseumnikka?). They all mean the same thing, so what gives?

Welcome to the intricate and fascinating world of Korean honorifics, a “respect system” deeply woven into the fabric of the language and culture. It’s more than just grammar; it’s a social GPS that tells you where you stand in relation to the person you’re speaking to. Getting it right shows respect and cultural fluency. Getting it wrong can lead to some seriously awkward moments (or accidentally insulting your new boss).

Don’t worry. While it seems daunting, we can break it down into a simple, practical guide.

The Two Pillars: Jondaetmal and Banmal

At its heart, the Korean respect system boils down to two main speech levels:

• 존댓말 (Jondaetmal): This is the polite, formal language. It’s your default setting for most social interactions.
• 반말 (Banmal): This is the casual, informal language. It’s the language of intimacy and closeness, reserved for specific situations.

The key isn’t just memorizing two sets of vocabulary. It’s about understanding when and why to use each one. The choice depends on a complex calculation of age, social status, and familiarity.

The Three Factors: Age, Seniority, and Closeness

Before you even open your mouth, your brain needs to do a quick scan of the social situation. Here’s what you’re looking for:

1. Age: In a culture with deep Confucian roots, age is arguably the most important factor. If someone is older than you, even by a single year, you default to jondaetmal. You continue using it until the older person explicitly gives you permission to switch to banmal.
2. Seniority/Rank: This applies to professional, academic, and even social hierarchies. You use jondaetmal with your boss (사장님, sajangnim), your professor (교수님, gyosunim), your senior colleague (선배님, seonbaenim), and customers. They, in turn, may use jondaetmal or banmal with you, depending on the workplace culture and their personal style.
3. Closeness (Familiarity): This is where things get nuanced. You use banmal with people you are very close to, like family and close friends who are the same age or younger. This is the factor that allows you to “level down.” Two strangers who just met will start with jondaetmal, but if they hit it off and discover they’re the same age, one might ask, “우리 말 놓을까요?” (Uri mal noeulkkayo?)—”Shall we drop the formalities?”

The golden rule for any learner: When in doubt, use jondaetmal. It is always better to be seen as overly polite than as rude and disrespectful.

How Respect Changes the Language: The Nitty-Gritty

So how does this system actually work in a sentence? Respect is shown in several key ways, from simple changes at the end of a sentence to entirely different words.

1. The All-Important Sentence Endings

This is the most common and fundamental way to control your politeness level. Let’s take the verb 가다 (gada) – “to go.”

• High Formal: 갑니다 (gamnida)
  This is the -(스)ㅂ니다/-(s)eumnida ending. It’s highly formal and deferential. You hear it in news broadcasts, public announcements, business presentations, and in the military. It creates a respectful distance.
• Informal Polite: 가요 (gayo)
  This is the -아요/어요 (-ayo/eoyo) ending. This is the workhorse of polite Korean. It’s polite and respectful but also friendly and approachable. You’ll use this with coworkers, shopkeepers, new acquaintances, and older people you’re familiar with. This should be your default ending as a learner.
• Casual / Informal: 가 (ga)
  This is the -아/어 (-a/eo) ending. This is pure banmal. Dropping the final 요 (yo) is what makes it casual. Use this only with your close friends, younger siblings, or people who have explicitly agreed to speak banmal with you.

2. The Honorific Infix: -시- (-si-)

This is where it gets a little more complex. The infix -(으)시- (-(eu)si-) is inserted into a verb or adjective to show respect for the subject of the sentence. This is different from the sentence ending, which shows respect to your listener.

This means you can talk to your friend (in banmal) about your grandmother (using -si- to respect her).

Example: “The professor is coming.”

• To a colleague (polite): 교수님께서 오세요. (Gyosunim-kkeseo oseyo.)
  Here, 오세요 (oseyo) is a contraction of 오(다) + -시- + -어요. You use the honorific -si- because the subject is “professor”, and the -yo ending because you’re speaking politely to your colleague.
• To your close friend (casual): 교수님 오셔. (Gyosunim osyeo.)
  Here, 오셔 (osyeo) is a contraction of 오(다) + -시- + -어. You still use -si- to respect the professor, but you drop the -yo because you’re speaking banmal to your friend.

3. Special Honorific Vocabulary

For some of the most common words, Korean has completely separate honorific versions. Using these words instantly elevates the formality of your speech.

• 밥 (bap) → 진지 (jinji) for “meal/rice”
• 이름 (ireum) → 성함 (seongham) for “name”
• 나이 (nai) → 연세 (yeonse) for “age”
• 집 (jip) → 댁 (daek) for “house”
• 있다 (itda) → 계시다 (gyesida) for “to be/to exist”
• 먹다 (meokda) → 드시다 (deusida) for “to eat”
• 자다 (jada) → 주무시다 (jumusida) for “to sleep”
• 주다 (juda) → 드리다 (deurida) for “to give” (when giving to someone respected)

So, asking your friend if they ate is “밥 먹었어?” (Bap meogeosseo?). But asking your grandmother is “진지 드셨어요?” (Jinji deusyeosseoyo?). Notice the change in noun (bap → jinji), verb (meokda → deusida), and the use of the honorific infix -si- (deu-si-eosseoyo).

Survival Tips for Learners

Feeling overwhelmed? Just remember these tips.

• Avoid the “You” Trap: The word for “you”, 너 (neo), is pure banmal and can sound incredibly rude if used incorrectly. Instead of saying “you”, use the person’s name or, more commonly, their title. For example, call your teacher 선생님 (seonsaengnim), not “you.” If you don’t know their title, you can use their full name + 씨 (ssi), as in 김민준 씨 (Kim Minjun-ssi), which is a neutral, polite way to refer to someone.
• Start Polite, Stay Polite: Default to the informal polite -아요/어요 (-ayo/eoyo) ending in 99% of your interactions. You will never offend someone by being too polite.
• Listen and Mimic: Pay close attention to how Koreans speak to you. If an older person consistently uses banmal with you, it’s a sign of affection and closeness (but don’t switch yourself unless they tell you to!).

More Than Just Words

The Korean respect system is more than a list of grammar rules. It’s a living, breathing part of the culture that reflects a society valuing community, hierarchy, and mutual respect. Mastering it takes time and practice, but every step you take brings you closer to not just speaking Korean, but understanding the Korean heart. So go ahead, be brave, use that polite -yo ending, and you’ll be on the right track.